For so long I have thought that I was renewed. That somehow, over the years I have blossomed into a person separate from my past. That I’ve become someone completely new, but Lord, was I wrong.

I am finally seeing the pattern, I’m finally understanding who I am, in the utter core of my being.

This thing, that drives my thoughts, my motivation is the same as it was years and years ago. In my soul I am still that 12 year old girl yearning, begging, sobbing to be loved. Crying out to be understood, listened too, appreciated. I’m 19, all I want in the world is to be past this. I want to be self assured and strong and not hate so much of myself at the base of my heart but I am the same as I was 7 years ago.

Perhaps I will always be.

I am a fool to think I could avoid who I was yesterday