I Have Feelings / A Journal of Sorts / 2.11.18

I have feelings.

They exist. They are anything BUT dormant. I am literally not fooling anyone by pretending I don’t have them.

I am insecure.

I am not fooling anyone by pretending that I’m not anymore.

I am insecure about my feelings and my thoughts and my hair and my personality and my skin and my opinions and ideas. I am almost insecure about my health.

Everything I do is annoying.

Per of me wishes I was without feelings and physical needs so I could be good enough.

But man is not intended, in his fallen state, to be perfect.

As of late, it has been increasingly difficult to get out of bed. I feel each waking moment I am fated to be bombarded with disappointed stares. Or to be told about all the areas I fail to come to par. So I sneak around like a criminal avoiding arrest. As of late I feel trapped in the endless cycle of self-sabotage. I feel sometimes like I can’t breathe.

I NEED sunlight, can winter please be over?

I feel like I am the epitome of mediocrity. I can’t escape the pit of ‘almost enough’ or ‘off brand’.

I am a bundle of anxiety, bridled depression, and poorly concealed angst.

I am losing my mind.

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