A Message I Never Sent / A Journal of Sorts / 2.28.18

Welp, this is going to be a long post, I’m sorry.

I’ve been having a really difficult time emotionally, and for me it’s become really obvious in the last few months. I have done a really shitty job of taking care of myself. I’ve been having a real hard time sleeping and waking up on time. I think it’s because I feel really stressed with the ABFid rush, trying to get into the swing of working ministry, and just being more organized and intentional. I feel like I’m failing because I feel like a lot of this could be solved by taking my supplements and going outside, and since I’m not doing that, failing twice over (fuck you, seasonal depression). 

(Summarized: I am stressed about life, how “Pierzina” of me) 

I am sure you have noticed in some way, shape, or form me acting out my stress, because as easy as I pretend it is to “turn a blind eye” to all my problems, none of you are stupid. 

I feel like all I’ve been doing of late is self-sabotaging in one form or another and neurotic because of that. 

Good news: feeling like this has really encouraged me to read scripture, or should I say ‘the good news,’ haha, every day! 

Bad news: I feel crazy and I haven’t been honest about it, and that’s not honorable or right. I have probably lied to each of your faces at one point about being “okay” when I’m not, and sometimes (or perhaps all the time) I’m more transparent than not, but like I said earlier, I know I shouldn’t. 

Even now as I’m reading over what I’ve typed up I feel like I’m being stupid and crazy and a wimp. (I know that none of these are good things to say, but whateves) I imagine that a lot of what I’m saying is really obvious, but nonetheless, I can’t allow hold onto this anymore, I have to finally give it up to God, and I guess part of that means being 100% honest with my support system.

 This part of me should not consume me the way it does when it does. Even if I was designed to be/feel this way, I’d this was the struggle meant to be the “thorn in my side”, I don’t think I’m meant to bear this burden alone. (since my acting out effects the whole household in some way or another)

I’m sorry that this not so shocking revelation has finally come out at such a terrible time, but if I keep waiting for the “right time” to post this, I will probably never post it. I’m also sorry for not saying the words in person (especially to my roommates who are in the same room as I’m writing this) but I don’t think I’d be able to get out a coherent sentence and I just can’t find the words out loud. 

Finally, I’m sorry for being lame right now, I know I’m not lame all the time, and that I”m not a bad person, and that you all love me, and that I love all of you, and trust you, ect. But I still feel bad for word vomiting on all of you. Hopefully this can be my last emotional outburst for a while. I hope this isn’t just a part of growing up, because then I will be even more pissed for letting it punch me in the face. 

(Also note, I’m having a particularly hard time today, and I feel like I haven’t done anything productive even though I know, logically, that’s not true. I will probably feel less upset in the morning, and therefore regret sending such a long and whiny message, but at least I am being honest outloud, for once.)

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